Never Too Late for Deep Thoughts
It’s never too late to catch up with some of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts. Lovely stuff, really.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I’ll be waiting for you in heaven–with a gun.”
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
